There was a lot of emotions and feelings one would expect when you are realizing you are gay. Confusion, scared, sad, and maybe even shame. But, one feeling that I am experiencing now was one I didn’t expect at all and that is free.
I can’t believe how free I feel. Like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I mean yeah I can see where that feeling could come into play, but I didn’t give it much thought before.
All those thoughts and feelings that I had throughout my life they make sense now.
All those times I stared at that girl way too long, makes sense.
All those times I felt very uncomfortable in the locker room because I was trying to avoid looking at all the girls and being caught, makes sense.
All those times I had crushes on girls, makes sense.
All those times I was with a guy and felt like all I wanted was to be more of a friend to them than anything, makes sense.
When everything makes sense there is a freedom that comes with it. You can release all those thoughts in your head of “you shouldn’t be doing this”. Don’t look at her like that, it’s wrong. Don’t tell that girl she has an amazing ass, it’s wrong. Don’t imagine kissing every inch of her body till she screams your name, it’s wrong.
But, realizing you are gay makes all those things NOT WRONG! So now I get to be me. I get to look at that woman in the grocery store and think “damn, nice ass!” I’m not going to go say it to her, I have some chivalry in me. But, I am going to let myself think it and not tell myself anymore that it’s wrong.
It’s not wrong because I am gay and sorry that’s the way my brain thinks. That’s what every inch of my skin feels when I see a woman that sends a spark through my body. I can’t help it and from now on I refuse to.