Freedom

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There was a lot of emotions and feelings one would expect when you are realizing you are gay. Confusion, scared, sad, and maybe even shame. But, one feeling that I am experiencing now was one I didn’t expect at all and that is free.

I can’t believe how free I feel. Like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I mean yeah I can see where that feeling could come into play, but I didn’t give it much thought before.

All those thoughts and feelings that I had throughout my life they make sense now.

All those times I stared at that girl way too long, makes sense.

All those times I felt very uncomfortable in the locker room because I was trying to avoid looking at all the girls and being caught, makes sense.

All those times I had crushes on girls, makes sense.

All those times I was with a guy and felt like all I wanted was to be more of a friend to them than anything, makes sense.

When everything makes sense there is a freedom that comes with it. You can release all those thoughts in your head of “you shouldn’t be doing this”. Don’t look at her like that, it’s wrong. Don’t tell that girl she has an amazing ass, it’s wrong. Don’t imagine kissing every inch of her body till she screams your name, it’s wrong.

But, realizing you are gay makes all those things NOT WRONG! So now I get to be me. I get to look at that woman in the grocery store and think “damn, nice ass!” I’m not going to go say it to her, I have some chivalry in me. But, I am going to let myself think it and not tell myself anymore that it’s wrong.

It’s not wrong because I am gay and sorry that’s the way my brain thinks. That’s what every inch of my skin feels when I see a woman that sends a spark through my body. I can’t help it and from now on I refuse to.

Into The Mystic – Van Morrison

The first time I heard this song was actually in the movie called “Immediate Family”. Eighties movie that starred Glenn Close (Linda), James Woods (Michael), Mary Stuart Masterson (Lucy), and Kevin Dillon (Sam).

Synopsis of the movie is that Linda and Michael want to adopt a baby and Lucy is a teenage girl who is pregnant by Sam. They start the process of adoption and things don’t go the way they planned.

There is a scene where Lucy is visiting Linda at their home and I can’t remember exactly, it’s been years since I’ve seen it. But, “Into The Mystic” comes on and Lucy and Linda dance in the living room together.

It was a movie that me and my girls used to watch together and that song became “our” song. Whenever we hear it we kind of give each other a knowing look. Usually they look at me with a “no, mom, please don’t”. Because every time I hear it and they are near I make them get up and dance with me. We would dance together and though they acted like they hated it, I think deep down they kind of liked it. It was a special moment that we shared and I truly appreciate those moments.

As for the song itself. Van Morrison was a true singer/songwriter that gave his soul to the music. You could tell by his voice that his physical being was a part of the song. Like he didn’t leave anything out. This song is no exception. It drew me in and made me envision sailing on a boat under the warm sun going home to my loved ones. One of the few songs that I will close my eyes and just listen to.

I hope you will enjoy this song. And when it’s playing, grab a loved one and dance together. Make a special moment. Even if they act like they don’t want to it will still make a memory.

After your are finished dancing :), share in the comments what song holds a special memory in your heart and why?

Introducing Hart!

So Fridays are the days that I introduce you to a vlogger on YouTube that I watch religiously.

If you don’t know what a vlogger is it is someone that blogs on video. Logically makes sense, right?

I went over and over which one I wanted to share first and I am still not sure. But, I am going to go with Hart first.

She is absolutely the funniest person. And she really covers lesbian topics that we all wish we would talk about, but we never actually do. She tells of her life as well and will always keep you laughing!

I started with this video with her mom and how DOMA was shut down in the US. The interaction between the two of them is hilarious! But, please check out the rest of her videos and don’t forget to subscribe and show her some love.

And you have to love those dimples! 🙂

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

I want a woman….

I hear a lot of woman talking about what they want a future significant other to do for them.

  • I want a woman who will shower me in flowers.
  • I want a woman who will take me out on the town.
  • I want a woman who will kiss me passionately.

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And every time I hear it, I think…Would you do that?

  • Would you shower them in flowers?
  • Would you take them out on the town?
  • Would you kiss them passionately?

 

Most of them probably would. But, wouldn’t it be better to focus on what you would do for them? I try to think of the things that I will do for my future girlfriend. Not what I want them to do for me. To me that is taking an active participation in the relationship, not sitting back and waiting for things to happen. I can’t control how someone is going to love me but I can control how I will love someone. I wouldn’t want them questioning if I love them or not and am going to do everything I can imagine to make sure they never do. Yes, I want to shower my girlfriend/wife in flowers. I want to take them out on the town for a romantic dinner and a walk on the beach. I want to kiss them passionately that they feel it in their toes. I want to walk up behind them and wrap my arms around them just to show them that I wanted to feel them close and to know I was thinking of them at that exact moment.

If I have these ideals of what I want them to do, I may be setting myself up for disappointment. People can’t read minds so how are they going to know that you want these things. You tell them? Doesn’t that then take away the spark of it. That is also writing a script for the relationship, what fun is there in that? There has to be spontaneity in a relationship. That is how you make those special moments that will last a lifetime. When you two are old and grey and rocking in your chairs on the porch, those are the moments that you will look back on remember fondly. Not the moments that you scripted out in your mind before they happened. 

Sure we all these little fantasies in our minds of how we want our wedding day to look. What we want the first kiss to be like. How we fall asleep next to the love of our life every night. I am not saying don’t think about these things. Just give equal time to what you are going to do for the love of your life. Plan out now what you will do for the love of your life before you meet them, not set up a round of hoops they have to jump through from the get go.

 

So, what is the one thing that you want to do for the love of your life? Be it you already have them or haven’t found them yet, what are you going to do for them to show them you love them?

Love Me Again – John Newman

I really love this guys voice. So powerful and soulful. Amazing!

I saw him advertised on YouTube and fell in love instantly.

He is from Britain which I love. I love most everything British and I have to say the singers that come from the UK are worlds above the stuff from the US. Just my opinion do not get butt hurt about this, I don’t want to hear it.

I mean, Jamie Cullum, Rumer, and Adele. Please we can’t compete. Our music industry wants to turn them into bubble gum artist and I’m sorry not everyone in the US is 14 years old.

Anyway, this John Newman. I hope you enjoy his music and buy his music if you do!

My plans for my little blogland

I want to make a plan for my blog. You know not just me coming on here whenever and just rambling on, which I can do, but that seems a bit of chaos. I would like to have certain days of the week mean different things.

Example:

Mondays – I share my current favorite song. Or a very meaningful song or a funny song, Whatever may trip my trigger.

Wednesday – I am thinking about picking a topic and me ramble on about it or give my opinion on it.

Friday – I would like to share a YouTuber that I follow regularly and give them a shout out. Hopefully you will like them to and follow them as well. I can give my opinion on whatever topic they are talking about, so on and so forth.

 

I thought about doing something everyday, but I really think that would be too much. I would miss a day and then I would pressure myself and worry and then I would quit blogging because it became more work than fun. There may be more post, who knows, but I want to at least give myself some structure to follow.

Yes, I am an organization freak, it helps me deal and makes me happy.

That is my plan and as you can tell I am already a day behind. Good job me. 🙂 But, I have the video ready to go and going to post it next.

 

Let me know what you think? And have a great day!!!!

Marriage

I have always been one of those people that when asked will I ever get married I said NO! Though I was married for almost 20 years, before that I said no. After that I said NO! It was even a bigger no then. It never appealed to me. It was never in the picture of how my life would go.

The other day my daughter, Bona, and I were out to lunch and she asked me…Would you ever get married? And it popped out. Yes! Would love to actually. Image

I think it’s because now I can see walking down the aisle to the person that I always felt it should be. Not that I consciously thought or felt it should be a woman. But, it was like my heart knew that it should be. It’s almost like my mind is catching up with the rest of my heart and body. Like it was ingrained in to who I am, but I didn’t even know it. Does that makes sense? 

Now I have this fantasy playing in my head of what it will look like. Beautiful setting outside in the woods. Warm but a light breeze. White flowers everywhere. Me and my future wife standing there in all white…not sure about the dress part, was never a fan! Professing our love to each other. The world has disappeared and it is just us.

 

And then have a barbecue. Because I don’t want anything formal when it comes to the reception.

Anyways….I have never had these ideals of what my wedding would look like, till now! All the other little girls were dreaming about their wedding day and really it never entered my mind. I didn’t have a big wedding with C. It was in Vegas, it was special, but not like I imagine it now. I want it all now.

It still so strange to me. It’s like someone has come up to me and introduced me to me.

“Hi, I would like you to meet someone. You, she’s gay!”

“Really, I had no idea.”

Have to love those conversations in my head!

So, yes I can definitely see getting married and having kind of a big wedding with all the bells and whistles.

Just know….that’s going to be a while. I totally believe in dating someone for at least a year before that even enters the conversation. I want to know that it is for real and can stand the test of time before I say “I do.”.

But, is it too soon to start a Pintrest Board for it?

Yes!

Damn!

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So when you realized and accepted that you were gay or straight, whatever works for you, did it change any of your original plans for your life? Or your ideals about yourself?

Acceptance

Learning to accept me for me.

I am not talking about accepting being gay. That was a two year long process, well that was how long it took for the active process of accepting it. Do other people take that long? Or did I just over think it again.

What I am talking about is accepting all the parts of me and who I am. What brought this about? I was watching a video this morning of a polymer clay artist and it was a video of just her hands and I thought to myself, “oh man I couldn’t do that, my hands are horrible little, stubby things.” And this is something I have always thought about my hands. And my nails won’t grow and they are just these little stubby hands. 🙂 Then again being 5ft tall, can’t expect to have these really long glorious fingers.

I remember in sixth grade wanting to play the flute or clarinet and the teacher told me, “no, your fingers are too short.” I hadn’t thought they were too short for anything before today, but thank you for making that one statement stick in my brain for the rest of my life. I did find out that my fingers are not too short to play any instrument. But, I ended up playing the violin for many years. Oh how I miss it!!!

Watching this video this morning though, got me to thinking, why don’t I accept my hands? And then other parts of my body. It is far from perfect. Or at least it is far from SOCIETIES perfect.

I mean my hands aren’t completely terrible. They are actually quite talented and can accomplish some amazing things.

They can sooth a loved one with the softest of touches.They can cook pretty well. Used to be better. Lack of use has lost their touch a little. 🙂
They can bring pleasure to someone. You know!

And they can create these:

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*Excuse the mess of my PC table, it never gets cleaned.* Though that’s something to do today.

So even though my hands are not going to be these long, glorious, beautifully manicured hands. They’re mine and I wouldn’t give them up for the world. They are loving hands, and gentle, and they are really quite the amazingly talented little hands. And they are mine!!

One of my hands, cause the other one had to click the camera, but it is just as good. 🙂

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