It’s the holidays and that being said tomorrow here in the US it’s Thanksgiving.
I love Thanksgiving. It really is a day about getting together with family and having a big ole feast. I usually start the day by calling my daughters and asking them why they are thankful this year. This was a tradition we started when they were both living at home. On our way to my moms or sisters house we would talk about what we are thankful for this year. So now that they don’t live at home I call them to continue the tradition.
Today I woke up and started thinking about what I am thankful for this year. I am thankful that I am finally me. I am my true self. Then it hit me.
Tomorrow I have to go back in the closet.
My girls know I’m a lesbian and completely support me. My mom, not so much. She is the woman that makes the comment constantly “I support people being gay, I just don’t want to see it.” It makes me cringe every time and I hear it often. There will be a moment tomorrow where she will make some sort of anti-gay comment and I will sit there and feel my insides being ripped out. Oh happy day! I’m used to it. Not that I am pleased by it, but I am used to it. I usually discount a lot of things she says because she is from a different time. That’s her life and the ideals of the times she grew up in. Though knowing my grandma she would probably slap her for it if she was still alive. I love my grandma!
I am not out to my parents, obviously, and it will probably be some time before I do come out to them, if ever. I don’t think my dad would say much. He usually doesn’t say a lot just rustles the newspaper he’s reading. My mom on the other hand will call every family member that she can and tell them I’m a lesbian. And not in a proud way. To put it bluntly, she will talk shit behind my back. How do I know that she will do that….because she has done it in the past. And she will lie to make herself sound more like an amazing person and me the piece of shit. Like when I decided to move out of their house at the age of 20. I said the weekend I was going to be moving out they would be out of town and I asked would you like me to wait a week that way you are home. And you can see your daughter off to live 5 miles away. For my girls I would want to be home. She said, no, go ahead, not a problem. Thought for years it wasn’t an issue. Then my sister in law and I were sitting and chatting and she brings it up. Supposedly my mom had called everyone and said that I didn’t tell them I was moving out and they came home to me being gone. WTF? This is my mom.
So if I was to come out to my mom, I am sure I will get bashed in some way and the family will think that I have lost my mind, or going through a phase like she tells everyone that is gay. Instead of thinking good for her I will be labeled the bad guy and there you have it.
My parents are the people that I will not be coming out to. I discussed it with Bona and she said, only come out to them when it’s necessary. Meaning once I find someone and mom invites me over for dinner and I want to bring my girlfriend then it’s time to come out. Or mom drops by my house and there is my girlfriend on the couch half-naked and looking amazing – okay that was a total fantasy, but it could happen. But there will be a situation that will come up, being that my parents live less than 10 miles from me, that I will have to let them know. But, right now – it’s not worth it. I don’t want to hear the bull shit. I don’t want to hear the judgement and the rumors that will make it back to me that my mother has spread.
So tomorrow I will take my ass back into the closet and sit quietly while I eat my amazing turkey dinner. Go home with some leftover turkey….ie come back out of the closet and enjoy a nice turkey sandwich being a lesbian. It will be the best damn turkey sandwich I have ever had. 🙂 Because all in all I am thankful that I know me now and I am proud to be a lesbian.
Here’s a couple of questions for you:
Do you have someone in your life that it just isn’t worth it to come out to?
And on a happier note, what are you thankful for even if you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow?
To my fellow Americans “Happy Thanksgiving and may it be one that is blessed with many laughs and smiles”