Settle….

I have spent my whole life settling.

I have settled for less than stellar love because it is all the other person was willing or capable of giving.

I have settled for friendships that were all about what I could give them and less about what they gave me.

I have settled for men when it came to love because I was too afraid to be who I really was at the core.

I have said too many times “ok, I will take that one because someone else wants the other one more”, when in all actuality, I wanted the other one just as much.

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I have spent way too much of life not getting what I want just so someone else will have what they want. The big one being gay. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was gay because I didn’t want my family and friends to be upset and/or angry.

I put everyone else happiness before my own. Why do I do this? It’s not like I don’t want to be happy, I totally do. Maybe it’s because I don’t want the fight or the hassle of it if they don’t agree with my definition of happiness for myself.

And I truly believe that everyone takes this as I don’t know what I want. So they tend to question everything I tell them. I know when I do come out to my parents that my mom will say…it’s just a phase. You don’t know what you want because you lost C (late hubby). You are still in mourning. After six years, I don’t think so. Though some people could be, I’m not.

Even when I told a few people they said…”are you sure?”. You sure you aren’t confused. And the thing of it is most of these people don’t really know me. They know me as much as they have chosen to get to know me, which usually isn’t much. I don’t have people/friends ask me how I am doing or any questions for that fact. The only things people know about me is because I have told them and not because they asked and genuinely wanted to know. I don’t know maybe I’m invisible. They don’t see me so how can they know what I want or need in my life.

It’s always been about what the other person wants and needs. They need to talk about A or B or C…or the whole F’in alphabet.

Well I am not settling anymore. I want friends and lovers….preferably one lover…that sees me for me. That when I haven’t seen them in a few days they show up at my door and say, I’ve missed you and wanted to see you. I won’t be an after thought anymore. Oh yeah where’s Julia? We should go see her, haven’t seen her in weeks. Oh yeah, she moved to Mars! She left your sorry ass in the dust because you could careless whether or not she was there.

I am constantly reaching out to people, whether it be through a phone call, or text (we all know how I feel about that one), or even just through a message on Facebook. I want the other person to know that I care about them and no matter what I will be there for them. But, I also would like the same in return.

I think as humans we spend too much time caring about the stupid stuff and not putting ourselves out there. We are too much about what the other person would think and less on doing what our heart is telling us to do.

If I love and care for you, you are going to know it. I love to do those simple little things for people. I’m an artist and I love to make little gifts for people. I will hear almost in passing that they love…..I don’t know….ummm…unicorns (which I don’t get), but I will make them a little polymer clay unicorn. Or I will find an awesome unicorn at the store and think, oh wow so and so would love that, to which I will buy for them and give it to them. Then they tend to pull away from me, I don’t know why. I think that they think I have fallen in love with them or something…F if I know. Dude, I was just being nice and I was being a friend. Tell me that this isn’t what friendships are about or in the least what they are supposed to be about. We are supposed to support and love them and try to make them happy, even if it’s just with a small simple gift. Then I walk away feeling like something is wrong with me, when I have realized lately that it is something wrong with them. Do people really not know how to accept a gift anymore, without it becoming more than it is? I WAS JUST BEING NICE!! Wasn’t that in a movie? Hmmmm.

So, with this rant. LOL I am not settling anymore. You either give me the love I deserve or go give it to some ass wipe down the street that is ok with your half-assed attempt. Because I am not anymore! Merry Christmas and have a nice day!!!

P.S. I’m not bitter, really I’m not. Maybe a little…but not a lot. đŸ™‚

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